Something I need to talk about...
It’s been a very interesting summer this year. Discussions of my partner and I moving to Berlin after many years have come to a close and we decided that this December was the time to make the move. Having just completed my masters in teaching and being recognised as a qualified teacher after 5 years, it’s now something I will put behind me for a time when we make the move. Not to say I’ll never teach again, I rather hope that it will be an avenue I can follow in Berlin , but for now it looks likely that I will be focussing my time on photography.
Once that choice was made though, of course the universe decided it shouldn’t be. Running into more than a few obstacles around finding customers and people wanting me to work for free for hours and hours, I felt really defeated and I decided that I would no longer take photos for money or as a job. I would just keep it as a hobby as that seemed to me to be all it would ever be worth.
Over the following three months there have been times of overwhelming happiness and fulfilment, as well as times of severe depression. A depression so heavy it seems hard to peek out from under it.
It’s something I find hard to write about because when I’m in it, I don’t know how to describe what I’m feeling, and talking about why I’m depressed sounds stupid - because it is stupid, not invalid, just silly. And that’s what I notice most about my own depression, there’s not a good reason for it, and if I have to explain the reason for it, I sound stupid, and I feel even worse. By the time I feel good enough to talk about it, I don’t want to talk about it because I want to feel happy, and not fall back into the depression.
At the time, it’s all encompassing. It can be hard to do or think about anything else. I want to sit in silence but left alone with the silence all I can hear are my thoughts about how terrible everything is.
They say that talking with someone is good for you, but how do you talk when you don’t know what to say, or how you could say it if you did? It’s like explaining colour to a blind person.
Most days are fine. Some days are much worse than others. And those days it’s hard to get out of bed, eat food, talk to people. Nobody is the same and I don’t expect other people who experience depression will have the same experience to me, but maybe it’s similar. I don’t know. I know that this is how it is for me. Being left alone to myself for a day, then listening to some Alanis - she seems to understand me ever since I was 13 - and cooking some drawn out complicated thing is what works for me.
I’ve decided not to give up on photography. It’s something that I not only love doing, but that I am good at. I want to be doing it forever.
As for teaching, I’m still hopeful. I love doing that too. Maybe in Berlin I can combine them both. I’m open to new adventures on both fronts, and I’m ready to take them on. Depression or no depression. Life goes on and the world turns and I’m excited to see what is coming tomorrow.
I’ll see you there.